So… I guess there is no need to bead around the bush…

After being married for 14 years…Two grown people have decided to do the best thing for their relationship and get a divorce.

I have been trying to find a way to say this in a manner that would slowly draw the slow clap and have people say… Man… He did it right! Someone I wanted to set an example for how you should conduct yourself during what has to be one of the hardest things that I have ever done in my life… I wanted to be that beacon of sanity that rages against the insanity of what you normally see during these times.

And then I saw these words… “… So happy for you and your new beginnings”…

And then it hit me… I am now an ending. Roll credits. I am the part that no one really cares for. I am an ending in my soon to be ex-wife’s story. Every day she is going to wake up further and further away from the life that we shared. Eventually she is going to find someone who is going to try and take away the pain that I have caused her. No reverence is given to the good times that we shared.

People, I can try and justify our actions and given enough time, I am pretty sure I can eventually convince you that I am completely justified in agreeing to a divorce that she wanted. I am that eloquent. When it comes to words, I could have been a great orator. I am not trying to toot my own horn. I am just trying to let you know that me choosing to use my words for something else is a great testament to how much love and respect I have for my wife.

“So happy for you and your new beginnings…”

I tried to call my wife and explain how much this statement hurts… Her response was, “So… it is a new beginning. I can’t stop the individual from being happy for me. What do you want me to do? Be miserable? No one is saying that you were bad to me. They are just talking about the new beginnings that are about to take place.”

As much as I tried to fight against the tears that were mounting in my head and scream out… There was no way to escape the truth. I am an ending. And she is right… After everything I have done to support her. I am an ending. No one will ever recount the good things that I have done for her.  Why would you?  

Courting is designed to erase the memory of someone’s effect of your life… It is designed that if you are successful in it, you surpass the examples of a past love and you capitalize on the things that your ex didn’t do… I am a record that has to be broken. But to break the record, you have to end it. And apparently, be happy about it.

She is going to move on. As I sit at work trying to make it through the day without having an emotional breakdown, the weight of this is crushing… it is suffocating. Not the fact that she is going to move on, but the fact that I am terrified that I am going to be made the villain in her story. How many more people are going to be happy? Who is going to say the truth? This is nothing to be happy about. This is a tragedy.

Two people’s hearts are broken. She broke mine too. But I dare someone try and be happy about it. If you want to be happy about something, be happy that we have found a way to still be positive role models for our kids. If you want to support me, say “I am here for you if you need me.” Do not think that I will tolerate anyone trying to use this as a bashing session.

To my wife… I am sorry. I am sorry that I stopped being the person that you needed me to be. But do not think that I have ever loved you less. I am sorry that we could find our way back to each other, but do not think I stopped looking. I am sorry that I broke your heart, but do not think that mine isn’t lying on the floor in pieces too. I know you are ready to move on with new beginnings, but all I ask is that you don’t let anyone make you forget the past. If I am happy about anything right now in my life, it is that I have always loved you and I have never laid a hand on you. I have showed our kids what it means to respect you partner. I know my son will treat the ladies in his life right, I know our daughters won’t settle for abuse.

As for me, I don’t know what beginnings I have. I never planned that far ahead. I know what I would like for my life, and I know what I need to do to get it, but I promise you… no one will ever erase the love that I have had for you for all these years. No one will ever replace you in our kids’ life… And I will never find something to be happy about at your expense.

 

Fin… Roll Credits!

Now, since we last spoke, I have started attending Regent University. From my previous blogs, you can imagine how I feel like everyday I walk on campus, somebody is going to jump out of the bushes and start screaming… HEATHEN!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!

To this date, that hasn’t happened yet, so I am grateful to the lord for mercy.

I digress… I recently got my grade for my first research paper. This class is for Christian Worldview. I wanted to share it with everyone so here we go!

 

Regent University

Lyrical Outcry:              Lost in the Message

GENE 100 Research Paper

Brian C. James

12/10/2010

 

  There exists a country song that is rapidly climbing the charts because of the hilarity that the singer hopes ensues his ex-girlfriend. The name of the song is Pray for You by Jaron and the Long Road to Love.  When asked if he (Jaron) was an angry writer, he replied that he does not write angry or nice songs; he writes honest songs. Traditionally, Christians tend to chastise one another when one deviates from the straight and narrow and in addition listens to “secular” music. The conflict occurs because of the perceived impact music has on an individual’s heart, spirit and soul. It is my contention that music allows us to worship the majesty of our Lord and also expresses the wide spectrum of emotions the humans face on a daily basis. As a result, Christians must broaden the horizon of our scope on what music is acceptable and what music truly goes against the will of God.

Does everything need to be classified as sacred or secular? To the average Christian, you either love the Lord or you love man. You are either good or evil. This is where the fight begins. Peters, Peters, and Merrill state that there is nothing magical about “secular” that turns whatever it touches evil (pg. 41). Our worldview must soften its judgment less we run the risk of missing something beautiful because of our labels. There are so many messages that honor the Lord that comes from the most unlikely sources. Maybe it is because some part of the heart of the composer recognizes God’s influence in their lives. Maybe it is from their upbringing. While most musicians admit to a religious upbringing, quite a few of them turn away from the church and find ‘successes’ as secular artists. Is it because they desire to serve the devil? No, more often than not these artists consider themselves to be spiritual without the legality of religion.  Take R&B singing superstar Maxwell, for example. In an interview with Michael George, Maxwell makes the following statement in regards to his conflict between spiritual vs. religion.

“When I was younger, I really got into the story of Christ and I think–I don’t know what it is. It just changed. It’s like something bigger came into the situation. Loving God, and loving higher things became rules: what you have to do and how you have to do it, and a particular method in how you reach God. For me, it became less about that and more about the universal message that he lives inside and you are part of it–that everyone is part of everyone. That whole thing came to play around the music.”

Maxwell’s convictions are in line with Jesus’ teachings about where we can find the Holy Spirit. “He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. The world cannot receive him, because it isn’t looking for him and doesn’t recognize him. But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you” (John 14:17, NLT). Paul’s acknowledgement of where the Holy Spirit resides is also in accordance to Maxwell’s thoughts. Paul states, ”For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love” (Romans 5:5, NLT).

Maxwell’s upbringing mirrors that of so many of music’s biggest icons. Reed tells us that Duke Ellington, Count Basie, Elvis Presley, Jerry Lee Lewis, Little Richard, Sam Cooke, James Brown, Marvin Gaye, Tina Turner, and many others all had church upbringings. (Reed, pg. 27-28) We, as Christians, know that it is hard to remove God’s presence from your life no matter where life’s travels take you.

Through every aspect of their songs, we hear the love that these performers have for God. If we listen close enough we can see exactly how powerful it is to find God in some of the most morally destitute of artists’ lyrics. If you get past the profanity, gang violence and environment that is permeated throughout his music, slain rap legend Tupac Shakur is a wonderful example. As professor in African American music, Teresa L. Reed, author of The Holy Profane: Religion in Black Popular Music describes her journey to find God in Shakur’s music. Not one of her primary sources of teaching material, the final papers given by her students after Shakur’s death started her on her path (Reed, pg. 149-150). Her research uncovered information that was truly remarkable especially when viewed through the ‘Jesus goggles’ that most Christians have in regards to gangster rap. She declared that she was able to “locate deep religious sentiment in music of Tupac: God, death, redemption, and afterlife are themes that surface repeatedly in his music” (Reed, pg. 152). The miracle of God is that for everything that Tupac endured, he still searched for God. Please do not misunderstand the intentions of Tupac’s inclusion in this report. It is not to divert the attention away from his lifestyle or even to excuse his choice to promote the life of the gangster. No, it is to say that even someone whose lifestyle is as detestable as Tupac’s life in regards to Christian living, his music told the story of someone who searched for a refuge from the pain his life had given him. The shocker is that he sought guidance. Reed states, that when Shakur’s mother, Afeni, was released from prison, she started to regularly attend church. She found a church home in House of the Lord Church in Brooklyn, NY, and its pastor, Reverend Herbert Daughtry, became a prominent figure in her son’s life (Reed, pg. 152). She goes on to state on numerous occasions the influence that Reverend Daughtry had on his music as well, but Tupac’s religious questions may have been brewing long before Afeni took him to church. Name a Christian among us that has not had this same occurrence. To know God’s presence in your life before you are actually brought to His house.

Compare Tupac’s lyrics about God to the some of the other worship songs about God.

Anne Murray – Amazing Grace

Amazing grace

How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost but now I’m found

Was blind but now I see

Tupac Shakur – Hell for a Hustler

Lord, help me change my ways
Show a little mercy on judgment day
It ain’t me, I was raised this way
I never let em play me for a busta,

When compared to one of the most celebrated songs of redemption, Tupac seems only one step away from redemption. He recognizes God’s authority and even asks for help. No. He cries for help. We as Christians have an obligation not to listen to the music; instead we must listen for cries like these because they are opportunities to find lost souls. Can you imagine the soldier for Christ Shakur would have become if he wasn’t taken so young in his life? Reed surmises that Shakur’s religious consciousness was certainly upstaged by the other forces of his truncated life (Reed, pg. 152). This fact is definitely evident in Tupac’s music. His music is as much a testimony to his life as some of the greatest autobiographies.  It is one of the more powerful uses of music.

As Christians, music is one of the tools we use to relay our testimony to the world. It tells our testament of the pains we go through. Jazz and the Blues are littered with these pains. Billy Holiday’s Strange Fruit is a cry against the lynching of black people. The Temptations’ Ball of Confusion is an anthem of the problems that were being experienced during that time. Music is an outlet to a positive expression of the negative emotions that threaten to consume the writer, while at the same time bringing attention to these acts.

Does this give us the license to listen to anything that comes across our paths? No, instead it requires that we become active listeners to all aspects of a song. Peters, Peters, and Peters states that God desires us to be skilled discerners of the good and the bad, not only in music, but in all aspects of our lives (pg. 44). It is through active listening that we find God’s hand in each of these performers lives.

Fact. God can use anything to perform his miracles. Music truly is one of his better tools. Can we even begin to ask how many churches use music during their alter call to reach out to individuals for redemption? What about the same churches that use music as a means to get the congregation to donate money to missions and charities? Now if someone decides to donate money at the behest of the church, the first thing that comes out of the mouths of the congregation is, “Praise God!” If that same money is donated at the behest of musician who isn’t part of the church or has any inclination of joining a church, did the miracle not happen? Does God not deserve the glory for these actions of benevolence as well? One of history most celebrated and most controversial artists, Michael Jackson, spent a fortune donating to the less fortunate, both in the United States and across the globe. His actions have caused others to donate millions as well. Heal the World, We Are the World, Black or White… the list goes on and on with the amount of songs that Jackson produced that inspired positive human interaction. Though he may not embody the complete picture of a Christian, no Christian can deny the work that this man has done for humanity. No one can deny Michael Jackson’s love for his fellow man. Though we choose to disagree with the controversial history that this man had while on this earth, we do have the ability to discern what actions of his God affected and the ones that his own personal demons controlled. Peters, Peters, and Merrill agree. They state that where our understanding of Christ and his ways conflict the perverse individualism of man, then we must part ways (pg. 42).

Multi-award winning rock group, Creed, is perfect for this section. The following songs illustrate one thing.

Creed – Higher

Can you take me Higher?
To a place where blind men see
Can you take me Higher?
To a place with golden streets

Creed – One Last Breath

I’m looking down now that it’s over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace

I cried out, “Heaven save me”
But I’m down to one last breath

Creed – My Own Prison

I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I’ve created my own prison
I cry out to God

Undeniably, Scott Stapp’s Christian message is clear in most of his songs. He is often ridiculed by his non-believing peers for being a Christian. Because of his checkered past, he isn’t accepted in Christian circles. This is a tragic situation. It is easy for Christians to pass judgment on him because of the entanglements with law enforcement that Stapp has endured throughout his career. But as a Christian, can you honestly say that if you listened to his music you couldn’t see his love and respect of God’s majesty and beauty?

            Beauty is another gift that God has given us. And this is often the purpose of non-Christian artists’ music. Considered to be a major theme within the Old Testament book Songs of Solomon, the beauty shared between a man and woman that grows till they become husband and wife is truly one of God’s greatest gifts. This bond is the first thing that is established between a man and woman. Paul gives explicit instructions for married couples. Why are there few, if any songs, from Christian artists celebrating the union that God has ordained? Don’t we have a responsibility to promote all aspects of Christian life?

            Another award winning R&B superstar created the perfect song celebrating matrimony. His song, For you, has been used in more weddings than was possible to count. In the 1989, Luther Vandross won a Grammy Award for his song, Here and Now.

Here and now, oh
I promise to love faithfully (Faithfully)
You’re all I need
Here and now, yeah
I vow to be one with thee (You and me), yeah
Your love is all I need

Clearly this song speaks of the love that a man has for a woman. He promises that he will love her exclusively. Marriage vows include a similar promise.

Forsaking all others, for better or worse…

Vandross’ lyrical equivalence to this portion of the marriage vow points highlights his commitment to God’s command that a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united as one.

Instead of looking at secular music as being evil, another mindset is to take the message of the lyrics and apply it to our lives. As Christians, we are not unfamiliar with this principle. Our greatest teacher used this principle when delivering his messages to us. Gundry states that Jesus spoke in parables to contrast between understanding and lack of understanding (Gundry pg. 184). As true believers we should be able to ascertain all aspects of God’s true wishes for our life no matter where the source is coming from.

In conclusion, God works in mysterious ways. He is able to use the mightiest of prophets or the people in the lowliest of professions to preach his message. Christians need to broaden their worldview to be able to listen to all aspects of music. Not for avocations, but for understanding the plights of man. Not to state that we are of the world, but to celebrate the gift of beauty within it. We should broaden our horizon because of the atrocities that are happening right under our noses that we choose to turn the cheek to because the person telling it isn’t righteous. Music can highlight the negative conditions of our society and if we choose not to engage it, it doesn’t mean that it goes away. Quite the contrary, it grows stronger, while at the same time claiming soldiers of the Lord. If we look back on our lives we can see where we knew God’s presence before we knew him. We should be able to see God’s hand in all aspects of music and thank him for being able to find his hand in all works and walks of life. Secular does not mean evil; just like everything that is on this earth, it can be used for good or it can be an instrument of evil. We owe it to ourselves to take the time and find out.

References

George, Michael. “Maxwell.” American Visions 12.2 (1997): 41+. Academic OneFile. Web. 10 Dec. 2010.

Gundry, Robert. A Survey of the New Testament. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2003.

Peters, Dan, Peters, Steve, and Merrill, Cher. What About Christian Rock? Minnesota: Bethany House Publishers, 1986.

Reed, Teresa. The Holy Profane: Religion in Black Popular Music. Lexington: The University Press of Kentucky, 2003.

Well… I am in the dog house now… I have just showed my wife part 1… Needless to say, at the very least conjugal visits have been suspended for the near and possibly definite future…

What I don’t understand is that for this being the first time that I have said it, why she is reacting so horribly to it. I have met men who have gone out of their way to let their wives know that they like the way that their friends are built. I know men AND women that have open sexual relationships with other people, animals, imaginary friends… yet I am the one that is in the dog house… Yes it is a huge blow to one’s reality, but there is a big picture that is not being address and if it doesn’t get address then she will never truly understand the way I feel about her.

Yes I desire other women, but I also desire more money, a different life-style… the list can go on and on… The truth is every night she sees me at home building a life together with her. Sexuality is one small aspect that makes up the total package.

You hear women say time and time again that what they desire is a relationship… They want someone who is going to be there for them. I can’t tell you how many times that I have heard of women that are still looking for that deeper connection with someone instead of their body. If she was honest about it, she would tell you that one of able my greatest assets is not my sexual prowess, but the amount of love that I am able to pour into our relationship.

Where is the Mulligan… where is the acceptance that my husband is human…

Sometimes I am sick and tired of being the perfect man… and I just want to be a man, but I am no less committed to my relationship now than I was 14 years ago when i was trying to win her from her previous suitor.

<insert cake break> Side bar… I have a friend who makes a delicious lemon cake…. for the record… no sexual desire for her… And now back to our previously schedule program…

It is tiring, exhausting, for little or no pay, being the perfect man… They only thing I get is extra shit on the never-ending ‘honey do’ exhaustive-concordance-of-shit-I-really-don’t-want-to-do!

So my previous stance on feeling terrified about speaking about my desires is rapidly being eroded by my track record of being the good guy… I feel like the voice of the oppressed… I love the female form and I am not afraid to say it… love the milkshakes that brings the boys to the yard… Love the body that is too bootylicous for ya babe… love the all i wanna do is zooma zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom… rumpshaker… I love the lovely lady lumps… Shake what ya momma gave ya!!!!

Well hopefully part 3 will be coming soon… See ya! If not… you know who to direct the cops too…

Hopefully, if you know me, then you know that I am not the best beacon of morality. I used to play around with the idea of one day becoming a minister and leading people to the altar… Now… I am just trying to keep myself from going insane from the constant battles I have with myself in regards to doing the right thing or what is in my nature to do.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no intentions of blowing up the world, but the thought of spending all day in church is terrifying on its own accord as well. I have to fight with the hypocrisy that resides in me. Am I a good boy being bad, or am I the bad boy pretending to be good.

One of the constant struggles I deal with is my… how can I say this without having my wife of 12 years read this and I end up on the nightly news… My less than… Fuck it… I am coming out of the… hmm on second thought, maybe that isn’t the best way to say that… I am going to be truthfully honest… I have strong sexual desires for women other than my wife… On one hand, this declaration should be extremely liberating… on the other hand… saying this is like openly speaking against the mafia…

It’s true… there are times when I see a beautiful woman… especially one that has all of the traits that I find attractive… and great googamooga… Well let’s just say my first though is not “I wonder what is her favorite book of the Bible?” I have already admitted to some of my close friends that I have multi tasked my thoughts… kind of like Microsoft windows and I have one ‘window’ that is dedicated solely to picturing women naked. Here is the flip side… I am one of the nicest men, capable of showing the highest level of respect as well as one of the most compassionate people you will ever have the pleasure of meeting. This is something that is in direct contrast to me lecherous side.

Needless to say, I keep a lot of things to myself… Not only because I don’t want to offend anyone, but mainly because I want to remain among the living. Of all of the wonderful qualities that my wife has… she wasn’t blessed with the gift of forgiveness or reconciliation and her family is known for having horrible escalation policies… But I digress…

Here is the hypocrisy… How does a God-fearing man like myself, justify my wanton thoughts that happen on a daily basis? If there is one commandment that I have the most trouble with… covet… If there is one sin that I am going to commit till my dying day… lust… On the flip side… the commandment that I live by the most… love my fellow-man… the biblical principle that I live my the most… Do onto others…

So here is the question… and this has been my mantra for the past few years… On the list of crimes against humanity…. where does this fall… An even better question how does this rate in crimes against a human? If you ask my wife,  she would say that she is less than thrilled at me saying this and I should have kept this to myself,  but if I can’t be honest about this to her, then am I dishonoring her?  So… a black eye, 4 broken ribs, internal contusion, and having to have my jaw wired shut later, I would say to her that I have desired women all of my life… how do you stop? How do you tell yourself that it is wrong to do something that your body was made to do? We are about to get a little philosophical right about now… I am no way qualified to discuss this other than to say that I have read the bible plenty of times and I go to church semi annually… and I have never been to jail… so though it doesn’t make me an authority… I am not a bad person…

In the beginning… god created us in his image… we were tasked to be fruitful and multiply… he made one man and one woman… And they were good… The they ate the apple and changed everything… Sin was introduced… but here is my question… if it was good in the beginning for them to be fruitful and multiply.. what changed? I am pretty sure once Adam found out just how good God hooked up that part of the female anatomy… Adam was waxing Eve’s ass every chance he got…

I think I also need to go on record on saying that I am lucky enough to have an extremely attractive wife… I mean she has breast like pow and an ass live sha-bang… I’m really fortunate that she has managed to keep these wonderful features over the past 14 years of us being together, but great Jimminy Crickett’s leg… God gave a lot of women that wonderful attribute…

So if anyone has any ideas other than immerse yourself in holy water and carry a flask just for those emergency situations, please give me your advice…

Hi there… My name is Brian C. James, but for this purpose… you can Call me Skitz… It is amazing to come to a point in life where you feel that your words are important enough where anyone may have the desire to spend their time reading what you have to say.

I never thought I was important enough that anyone would care enough to listen. I was always the guy with great ideas, but never had the confidence to say them… Until recently. You see I have had the wonderful privilege of starting my own business and it is successful enough where I can take time and do something memorable with my life.

So here we are… It is my wish that through my words people will come to have a better understanding of themselves… Not the black and white of themselves, but the gray… because this is where we all live… More often than not it isn’t “I would never do that”, but it is “I wonder what it would take for me to get to that point”…

For the little amount of success that I have had, my failures are numerous, but there are certain things that I just have not succumbed to… On the flip side… There are a great deal of other “moral” transgression that I commit on a daily basis… but in the list of crimes against humanity… are they really that bad?

It is my hope to explore these questions within myself and if I am any good… you will look at your own life and experiences and realize that no matter what differences we have… the one thing that ties us together is our humanity.

Catch you on the flip-side!